Push It

Clearly NOT Rocket Science. At all.

Mankind has done some wonderful things in the last 40 years. The Selfie Stick is not one of them. Although some will argue they serve an important purpose, the rest of us are already predicting the imminent downfall of Society as We Know It as a result of their popularity. If all I have to do is mention the damn things on Twitter to automatically get followed by a robotic sales representative, frankly, everybody’s in trouble.

YEAH RIGHT.

The thing is, actually, these sticks could have another use that maybe the traditional photographic industry’s overlooked. I sense if we let the Adult Entertainment People at these things, the Selfie Stick could take on a whole different life, and the phrase itself could grasp a new, entirely 21st Century double entendre. What if ‘giving yourself a Selfie’ meant using an entirely different part of your anatomy as the means to trigger your own personal money shot?

WORK IT OUT ^^

Now, you’re already shaking your head, believing I’m massively overthinking AND oversharing this, right? I wish. You see, people have already had these ideas, and are selling them. You’re just not reading about them. Let me fix that for you: the people who make the Fleshlight, the male ‘sex toy’ that relies on penetration for your male satisfaction, already has an attachment for an iPad. As the Verge article so elegantly puts it, the idea is to ‘attach the Fleshlight to the iPad and play a sexually arousing video on its screen. A person can then pleasure themselves with the iPad while watching the video in landscape mode, all for the price of $24.95′ Our Selfie Stick idea would take auto-stimulation and the Vine/Instagram/Flickr trend to a new level of financial exploitability. Of course, I suspect that Apple might get the hump if someone tried to patent the name of this as the iCum, but hey it could yet be worth the hassle just for the Court appearance you’d have to make to demonstrate the device in action.

You’ll need a thicker shaft for the grip, I reckon, and I’d start doing those Kegels to make sure you can activate the shutter at the crucial moment. Then, all we need is someone to start a website so you can sell your snaps for a quick profit after the deed is done (www.selfiemoneyshots.xxx) will do: and remember folks, this is the sexytimes exercise you can do all on your own.

Trust me, stranger things have happened to your nether regions in the course of History.

YES THAT’S HOW IT HAPPENED.